Journal Entry 3/26/2017

Growing up, even at my lowest points I’ve always had two forms of self-expression and that was through Music and Writing. I don’t really know where it all came about but somehow it did. Even through my darkest times I would sit with a tablet in my hand and my favorite songs playing on the radio and I was in my own world. A different world. One which made things simpler. This world gave me the time I needed to escape from reality for a while.

The older I get escaping the mind seems harder to do. More responsibilities weigh on you to the point where escaping that mindset seems almost impossible. I feel that is why people suffer from such things as anxiety. We’ve forgotten how to escape. We forgotten how to let the things that weigh us down pass through. Instead, we pile things on to the point where we feel like we are drowning.

Tonight, I took another trip to my “happy place”. It’s a quiet beach off the Delaware coast. This is where I can just go and reflect on things that weigh on my mind. It helps ease the pain that anxiety leaves and allows me to become more level-headed. People wonder why I go there alone at night. In this world, anything can happen to us, I get it. I just go there so I can focus on me. The darkness helps me because there isn’t a spotlight on myself or my problems. I blend in with the rest of the shadows and it gives me comfort.

Everyone needs their happy place. Sometimes that happy place can be a dark beach at night. If that’s where you feel comfortable then chase the moon. Where ever you find happiness, that is where you need to be. It’s where you need to go when you need to bring yourself back to heart center. Get your focus. Find your happiness. Live well.

– Beau

Keep Calm, Things Aren’t That Bad…


How do we feel when we are watching the news? Listening and reading each national story, do we feel excited to be living during the times that we are? I am assuming that the answer is no.

With each tragic story, one after the other, we feel as though this world is getting worse. We want to hide in the house and never go anywhere. We believe that we are living in the worst times on record. Are we really?

In a time when the media basically controls our lives with the story’s they give I thought I’d do my research, just to see if the fear the media instills in its viewers are warranted. The information that I found was not surprising to me.

Homicide Rates

The information that I recovered from Info Please, shows that since the 1980’s, homicide rates have dropped dramatically. In 1980 the rate was 10.2 cases per 100,000 people in the US. With 226.5 million people in the US at that time, it makes approximately 23,783 cases in the US in one year. In 1989 (the year I was born) over 21,000 cases that year. That is over 1700 cases per month and over 400 cases a week. In the source shown above, as of 2014, homicides have dropped to 4.5 per 100,000 people in the US.

The so called “Ferguson Effect”

There has been a popular claim circulating called “the Ferguson effect”. This claims that murder has increased since the protests in Ferguson. The claim suggests that the reason for this is because of the police less vigorous enforcement due to fear of backlash. The term gained steam after the term was quoted on May 29th 2015 via Wall Street Journal. There has no data to support these claims and in fact, the murder rates hold steady since 2014. More On The Ferguson Effect can be found here

Protests & Riots Today vs. Yesterday

There is a long list of protests all throughout history varying on topics that people can look up via WIKI:

1925 – Ku Klux Klan march. 50,000 KKK members marched to show support.
1957 – The first large (nonviolent) African American Demonstration three years after the Supreme Court decision against segregation in public schools.
1963 – The famous march where 250,000 people congregated around the Lincoln Memorial. This is where Martin Luther King Jr delivered his “I Had A Dream” speech.
1979 – First LGBT political rally where 75,000-125,000 gay men and woman marched on Washington demanding equal rights. Another would happen in 1987 where 500,000 gay men and women would attend.
1992 – Los Angeles erupts in an riots after the four white officers were acquitted over the videotaped beating of Rodney King.
Between 1863 and 2016 there have been hundreds of protests taking place, most of these protests in favor for equal rights and anti-racism. Some have been nonviolent, others ended in blood, fear and death.

Cases involving “forced rape”

From the stats found Statista, shows the stats of rape cases that have taken place. Up until 1992 there was a steady increase in forced rape in this country. A whopping 42.5 cases per 100,000 people opened regarding rape in the US. Some of these cases listed as violent and even fatal. After this time, the rapes started to decrease. Now the cases have dropped to about 26 cases per 100,000. This is after a slight increase from 2013’s 25 cases. It is a lot higher than it should be, but things are getting better as years progress.


When we think terrorism, we think about what is happening all over the world. From our own US soil to what has happened in France, Germany…etc. We think of the things that we have seen on our TV and Online. What we don’t see is that Terrorism has dramatically decreased since the 1970’s in 1970 we had over 450 attacks each year, with over 25 of them being fatal attacks. This gives a total of 2,608 total attacks and 226 fatal attacks between 1970 & 2011. Now we don’t have nearly that amount. I do know that the amount has climbed since the recent horrible attack of the Orlando Night Club “Pulse”. While this is a set back and we still mourn for the loss, we as a country can figure out a non-racist, non-xenophobic solution to solving these issues so that America can go stronger as a country.

My point is this…

I am not trying to belittle the horrific tragedies that have struck our world. It hurts, we all hurt. My point is; we can constantly live in fear and never feel safe. I get that you want to protect yourself and your family and that’s great. What I am doing, is providing you with another way of looking at life.

When we hear people say “I wish we’d go back to the good ol’ days”, maybe we should think twice about agreeing with them. We live in fear now because the media tells us that it’s worse than ever. I am not against being informed, I love knowing what is going on in our country and throughout the world. Maybe a way we can feel happier living in the times we are is by understanding that things have gotten better.

When we heard about the recent terrorist attacks it caused us all to question our safety. We should all take extra precautions into making sure our family is safe.

I just wanted to provide you with the comfort that every year, through the advances in society, we have gotten better. Things aren’t as bad as they were. Take that comfort and spread more love. Maybe, turn off the TV and news websites and enjoy life with your family. Let’s all live our lives better and love stronger!

My Socially Awkward Life

awkwardHello, my name is Gus. I am a socially awkward person.

There are times when I can carry on a conversation and be completely normal. Then there are other times when I feel as through I am trapped inside of my mind, trying to carry on a conversation when there’s this inner battle happening in my brain. Welcome to my socially awkward life.

When I hear people talk about their social awkwardness, I question if they really know what it actually means. When I say that I am socially awkward, it means that I am a very awkward person at social gatherings. I am going to try to paint a “word picture” for you, so that you can understand what I go through as a socially awkward person.

SOCIALLY AWKWARD: “an individual excessively afraid of social interaction due to some form of peer rejection or personal choice. Presenting a form or different forms of uncomfortability when around others”

Meeting New people

When you invite me to a gathering. I usually ask who will be attending. I am not being nosey. I am not secretly telling you that I dislike someone within our normal gatherings. I am getting myself emotionally and mentally prepared just in case there will be people who I don’t know there. Once you let me know that there is going to be PIDK (people I don’t know) attending the gathering, I may ask follow-up questions if the answers haven’t already been disclosed in the following information: “is it family of yours?” Usually I get a feeling of relief if the answer is yes. I feel there is less pressure if the people whom I don’t know are family because you are forced to associate yourself with your family because you are related. If the answer is “no it’s a friend” then, things change dramatically. The pressure is on. My mind starts spinning: “is this friend going to like me? What if they don’t like how I look? What if they hate me?” then I start thinking of scenarios of how horribly wrong things could go. For instance, what if I meet them and I can’t think of what to say? Or what if I say something completely wrong and they think I am weird? What if I overly communicate and they think I am annoying? What if I make them mad and my friend has to be placed in that awkward situation to choose sides? If the mutual friend knows the other friend longer then he will most definitely side with the former.

The reason friends are harder to meet is because these are people who your friend has chosen to become a part of their lives. These are people who your friend has been friends with LONG before you came. Or they are new friends and maybe they click better? Have a lot more in common with? Now you feel like you have to fight twice as hard to keep the friendship you have and make new friendships with their friends. It’s complicated I know but I have social anxiety which plays a part in why it’s so hard to meet new people and/or maintain a friendship.

Then the what if continuation start. “What if they don’t like me?” “Does my friend like me?” “Are they talking about me behind my back?” then the “Why do my friends even like me?”

So either I tell you, “oh sorry, I can’t, I have this thing” or “sorry I’m not feeling all that well”, OR I make the dreaded decision to attend. It’s not that I don’t like hanging out with my friends. I love my friends. The reason I have them in my life is because I love them and I feel as though we connect. Then, it’s on to the next battle

Being Social

Making the conscious effort to go is only the start of the battle that I will be facing during that night. To start with, especially when the case is old friends or best friends. I now become the third wheel of a bunch of conversations that I have no part in. I don’t know what they did, have done, will continue to do. No, I do not remember that one time back in high school. I didn’t know him/her then. So usually I am finding myself wondering off into the corner somewhere sitting. Watching TV, Getting acquainted with the pet of the home or the sleeping family member. Trying NOT to wake them but then make up a conversation with them anyway to keep yourself entertained between the snores. Then I try to make myself look like I am having a good time because I don’t want to expose my need for communication I can relate to. “Maybe they’ll bring up the time when we…” So alone I sit. It’s not my friends fault. They have their conversation that I saw myself out of because I didn’t feel like I belonged.

There have been times in really awkward situations where I’ve quietly left. That’s usually the result of a panic attack mixed with the depressive feelings of disconnection. That I didn’t fit in and I am now I’ve become officially labelled as the person who doesn’t talk or the person who is rude. Please know that is never the intention. There are days that I just can’t handle it. Being social feels more like realizing that you have nothing in common with the people you are associating with. That’s probably not the case. It’s more because I never opened myself up to exploring the interests of the people.

Finally, I get the courage to speak. Sometimes I execute it well. I say the right thing at the right time and BEHOLD, I have become one with the pack. Then there are the REALLY awkward moment where you say something that didn’t go over well. Maybe it wasn’t funny enough or maybe it just sounded stupid. This is about the time when I search for the first drink with alcohol and I drown my thoughts. This is when I maul over every, single, word that I said and what went terribly wrong. Then I feel as though I have blown my chance and they are all wish I wasn’t there. So either I am depressed, leave, or I am drunk and have prolonged my misery and then will apologize for everything I said. Or what I can remember of it.

The Best Friend

So if that wasn’t all bad enough, you now meet your friends best friend. When I meet a friend (which is rare because I don’t think I really ever ACTUALLY meet friends. I feel that it just happens), I want to put my effort into the friendship. Maybe grow it into a close friendship and who knows. Maybe one day, you become best friends. Once you realize that your friend has a best friend, that all goes out the window. You will probably not become that persons best friend. You will never be what they are. You now rate lower. Now as I said, none of this may be true. In my mind, however, it’s gospel. So then the pressure is on even more because now you feel as though this is the only way you will be able to maintain your friendship with the mutual friend, you must make the best friend like you. If they don’t, then say your close friendship goodbye. The friendship will become strained, you will become acquaintances and then merely Facebook friends until one day you post the “Have to let go of my past” meme and then finally delete that person. This is all going through my head while trying to carry on the conversation.

After Gathering Regret

So you made it through the agonizing defeat that is socializing. It may have went well, it may have went terrible. BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER. You critique every moment. You realize all of the horrible things that went wrong in your mind. Then you are thinking how much they must have thought you were a weirdo. Either I stayed in one place by myself and never talked, I left early, I probably offended someone, or I got drunk and became annoying. Regardless the regrets never go away. They still remain in your head as defeat. You had one chance and you blew it. There is no coming back from this. Then you are afraid to text your friend, afraid that the relationship has changed between the two of you. So you don’t talk to them, but when they don’t text you, you begin to freak out and wonder if you said something or did something wrong. Maybe they aren’t your friend anymore. Maybe you ruined it. Something is wrong. So you decide to text. “hey had fun yesterday”… THEN YOU REGRET THE TEXT MESSAGE… Then after waiting for some time the text comes back “me too”… Then the vicious cycle continues.

I Hope You Don’t Think I Am Crazy

I feel that this doesn’t only happen to me and I really hoping that the friends who read this don’t think I am crazy. I am just explaining to you that there is a lot the goes into when I am invited to places and get invited to do things. I am sure there are hundreds of other things that happen and I am sure I will experience them. This surely doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be invited to things. It’s therapeutic for me to be invited to do things, that I am liked enough for someone to go out of their way to invite me to do things with them. I just want you to be aware of just what it takes to be invited to places where new people are going or people I don’t know well will be there. I may go but please know that it takes a lot for me to do so. Also know that I may decline. Usually that means I can’t mentally do it now. But I will take a rain check and maybe you and I can do something later.

This is something that I am working on. I feel like I have gotten better then what I use to be.


Why I Became Unaffiliated

presidential-election-1336480_960_720If you told me 10 years ago, that I would be changing my republican party affiliation becoming unaffiliated I would have thought you were crazy. Then I would have tried and bring you to a version of Jesus that was all but loving. My republican roots were strong as I supported what my church supported. I believed what my parents believed and I went along with it like a dog on a leash.

The past two years have become an eye opener for me. I’ve become a better person and a stronger free-thinker. I have learned to be open-minded in Life, religion, my inner self and politics. So when I finally made the conscious decision to change my party affiliation, I felt as though I have made another great leap in my quest to become independent. I felt like I made the decision for myself and not for the sake of my family, my church, my friends and acquaintances. This was for me.

It didn’t take long to decide which party I would assign myself with. Which party did I go with? Neither. I became unaffiliated (independent). I know the way the voting system and I know what it means to be an independent. I know that I no longer have rights to vote in the presidential primary. It’s an unfair bias in favor of the two primary political parties, I know, but with that in mind I still made the decision switch.

It was not a hard decision. I knew what I was doing. I felt great when I confirmed the switch. The reason for the switch is very simple in my mind. I have lost all hope in both parties. This is the first presidential election that I have actually conducted my research and crossed referenced them with my own beliefs. What I have come to realize was shocking. I am not republican, I am not democrat.


I am a free-thinker. I am on the side of peace. Neither candidate of the main stream political parties represents that for me. I feel as though they are both out for themselves. They have no desire to help the people by dismantling the corporate corruption and greed; they only remain a part of it. They have no intention on ending these wars and bringing peace to our nation, our world. They keep these wars going because of money, oil. Also, the very thing that they are fighting for is slowly draining our planet of its resources.

These political parties are nothing more than a smoke screen of what is really going on. They want us to believe that we have no choice but to vote for either side. I am choosing a different path. I refuse to invoke the words “I will vote the lesser of two evils”. That’s nothing more than a lie people from either parties tell themselves to help them sleep at night. I refuse to vote for Hitler or Manson.

Let me ask you this: Are you a “Christian”? Are you a follower of Jesus? If you said yes to either or both of those questions then allow me to proceed further. Do you know how much Jesus preached love? Was Jesus not a lover of the poor and lowly? Was Jesus not a person who rebuked the rich? Then why are we voting for someone who doesn’t represent any of what Jesus is? You say you want God “back in America” but you are willing to vote for a man who is a perfect example of a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a man who more represents the people who put Jesus to death. Maybe you are not a Christian. Do you not want these wars to end? Do you not want to see peace? Why do you want to vote for either side? Neither side has any intention on ending these wars.

On the other side of the scale; why would we want to vote someone in that is carless enough to send classified emails through an unsecure mailbox? Why would you want to vote for someone who cares more about being bought out by mega corporations than she is about sticking to a damn belief?

Maybe you’re someone who is racist, sexist, fascist, homophobic, greedy, “wishy washy”. If that’s the case then by all means vote for them because you deserve each other.

Now I understand that some of you are voting for one of the two because you feel in your heart that it’s the right thing to do. If that’s the case than by all means, cast your vote. Though I don’t understand it, I respect your decision.

For me, I want change. I am tired of a corrupt political system. If you agree with me this far then please listen. I maybe a new blogger and I may not have executed this post as well as it should have been. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe in what I am saying. I have chosen to vote in favor of the Libertarian party. He has ranked at 10% in the polls in the running with Major party candidates Clinton and Trump, while 10% is not enough to win. The truth is that I am not looking for an amazing 3rd party win this year. It would be amazing, should it happen, but the odds are highly unlikely.

Why do I still choose to vote for him? Besides him not being among those bought by the corporate establishment, I feel as though this is a big chance for a third-party to be heard by 2020. We are going to be stuck with one candidate or the other regardless and I dislike both. The fact of the matter is, however, we have the chance to get the Libertarian party heard. All we need is a simple 5% of the popular vote for the Libertarian party to have Government funding and equal ballot access for 2020. This will give a desperately needed third-party option. This is huge.

As a (not so wise) man recently said. Vote with your conscience. I made my choice to become unaffiliated because I do not believe in the two-party democracy anymore. I feel that we have the chance to change the corrupted election and remove the corrupted people in power. This is my chance to do something I believe in. Voting in the lesser of two evils is not an option for me. I will not vote for someone I dislike because I dislike them less than his/her rival.

Whether I stand with others, or whether I stand alone. I feel as though I can confidently walk into that voting booth and cast my vote. Bring on the change!

Well Here I Am

picofmeWell, here I am. It’s been a while since I’ve posted on this blog and frankly, I had intentions on not writing in it again. I get so wrapped up in life and the current task, that I forget what makes me, me. I love to write because I feel it’s a way of release for my thoughts.

Bare with me because I do not have an agenda on what I am going to write about. This is all free thought so I apologize if it’s all over the place.

I think of writing as art work, even a story. People who’ve never met you would never get to know you unless you express who you are. So I decided to open my laptop again and start back on this journey as a writer.

I also write because I am not proficient in speaking. Whenever I do any type of public speaking, I end up failing miserably. Just the thought of public speaking gives me the sweats. In any case, when I write, I allow the thoughts to flow bringing forth its fruit called expression. This is the part of writing that gets me excited.

As someone who deals with anxiety all the time, it’s hard to put the feelings to words. I try not to express them with action, but there are times where I feel like it’s impossible to control.

I fear that my friends would leave me if I get too much for them to bare. You can say “well they weren’t really your friend to begin with” and while that may be true, I still don’t want to lose, even the people who pretend. Does that make sense? I don’t know. All I do know is that I hold in a lot to keep them friends. Sometimes I cancel plans because I feel as though seeing me in that state would be more detrimental than a simple cancellation. Also, if they see me when I am depressed of anxious then they may look at me as weak. They will look at me as someone who is weird or a bummer. I don’t want them to feel that way about me. Even though I feel it at times, even though they don’t say anything about it.

I said all of that to say, being able to write is almost therapeutic to my depression and anxiety. I keep a journal for that very reason. It helps me get through the harder days by being able to write down what I am feeling. So that I don’t have to burden my friends with my problems. So far it has helped.

With that being said, and continuing on my rabbit trail of improv. I went to my doctor and told him about my depression and anxiety and he placed me on medication. The last time I felt this bad was in my teen years. I never got medication then because it was against the churches teachings. While, I got through it, I didn’t know that I would have to go through the same thing at 26. I have never told anyone just how dangerously destructive that place and those people were. Anyway, though I feel very little results from the medication yet, the doctor said that it could take a month to get it in my system. So for now I wait. I will say that things have gotten a lot better.

Like I said, this post was all over the place but I just felt like writing. I wanted to write what came to my head. I didn’t want to have a subject, a premise, a outline. I just wanted to speak my mind as it flows.

Keep fighting for your life. Keep fighting for your happiness!


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