Depression and the Decision

Depression & Anxiety effects at least 18% of the US population, but yet we feel so alone.

Among that percentage are people who suffer from PTSD are among the lower percentage of 3.3 % of the overall US population. This can be for number of reasons. Military veterans, Rape victims, people who endured some form of traumatic experience in their life will experience. According to the ADAA “Rape is the most likely trigger of PTSD: 65% of men and 45.9% of women who are raped will develop the disorder.” With active duty and military vets a close second. Also among these statistics are people who’ve were raised in a traumatic environment such as home life and also religious cults and victims of brainwashing scenarios.

When people such as myself suffer from anxiety, depression and/or PTSD we are trapped in our minds. Sometimes people lash out at others thinking that the reason they feel this way is because of someone or something that is causing it. At times it’s hard to free ourselves from a specific event, even something so small as a text that was sent that doesn’t get a reply.

Recently, after hitting rock bottom and hanging out there for a while, I realized that me fighting was becoming too much to bare and I was almost to my end. Then God found his way to me on April 9th standing and singing a song called “I Look To You”. I made a decision to keep going and to turn my eyes upon Jesus. I felt 10 feet tall and I thought I could conquer the world. I was ready for this. I thought for sure that this would be the end of my depression and my anxiety for sure.

Wow… Was I wrong.

It took two days after this for me to lock myself in the bathroom at work and have a full on anxiety attack. All my past decisions and regrets came back for me. Though I was the only one in the bathroom it felt like the room was filled with people who wanted me dead, or wanted to kill the people I love. Voices were telling me that I “wasn’t good enough and that God wouldn’t save someone like you. Not after everything you’ve done”. This finally subsided and I thought that was the last of it… Again I was wrong.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that the Depression that I thought would go away after rededicating my life to Christ, came back with just as much force as before. I was under the assumption that the rededication to Christ would fix it. That was not the case. I prayed for Gods healing and it didn’t happen, or at least I thought it didn’t.

Now after some realization, I have come to understand this after all. Depression, anxiety & PTSD are all disorders that people suffer from. These are things that I can honestly say that I suffer from. There is no easy fix for these. God can take them away and there has probably been times when God did decide to do so. For me I feel this just wasn’t the case.

I have a long way to go in regards to the depression and I have a long road ahead of me to learning Self-Love.

I now realize that yes, depression, anxiety, PTSD are all things I still have to live with. This isn’t going to go away anytime soon. This is a battle within my mind and within my heart. But for once I feel that I have a weapon to fight with. Something that actually gives me a chance at beating this. God is my sword, my shield. As Psalms 28:7 says:

“Psalms 28:7: The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise Him.

God has not taken the battle from me, He desires that I fight. So this is what I will do. I am helped. For that I rejoice. With my Song, I will praise Him. I have a long battle ahead of me, but I know that Jesus is right there with me. He is ready to step in at times when I am weak. Just as a reminder that He is here. To remind me that my help comes from the Lord.

My depression is no longer a death sentence. It’s a fight that I have hope of winning. I am no longer fighting alone.

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One thought on “Depression and the Decision

  1. Amen brother! Folks think that, because you are a Christian, that you should not have these types of issues. They couldn’t be more wrong. The devil is very hard at work…trying to trouble our minds and souls with these issues. They are very real and just being a Christian, doesn’t exempt you from these feelings, conditions, issues…whatever folks want to call them. When we dedicate or rededicate our lives to Christ, we become different; however, Just because we have dedicated it rededicated our lives to Christ, dies not mean that all of these things go away in the snap of a finger. We still struggle with them day in and day out. It is only through God’s word, God’s love, and God’s grace and mercy, that I can find the peace and strength to face the demons and choose to be happy and find joy in my day. Keep on keeping in brother!!

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