Everything came down on me at one time. That feeling that your heart is about to explode out of your chest, the helplessness that rises up inside you. That was the feeling that swept over me, sitting in my cubicle at work. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance because I thought I wasn’t going to make it by driving. They later released me from the hospital calling it a severe panic attack. It’s something that I will not soon forget. This happened to me back in September of 2014 and I am still feeling the effects of it today.
The reason I am bringing this up is that I have been working with my Therapist to help figure out the root problem of this panic attack. The night before a Facebook war broke out at my expense about a post that I made on my wall (which later was deleted because I was shocked by the hatred that was expressed in the comments.) I am one to like a bit of a controversy here and again but when it digs back into my past and people poke fun at something that was clearly none of the persons business and was not even pertaining to the topics that changed the game and from an outsider who has only heard one side, it struck me hard (if you don’t know about my past please refer to the About Me section of this blog to catch up). Now I know for fact that the person was not on my friends list but for some reason I had forgotten to change my follow settings to friends only. This “viper” was following me and I was completely unaware.
To get back to the post that I made on my Facebook account. It stated: “Do you think that the reason our generation is leaving churches is not to deny Jesus, but to leave the diluted version of him?” The post was inspired by the book I was reading Undiluted: Rediscovering the Radical Message of Jesus, and I believe it to be a great read. I took the message of Jesus and painted a completely different picture from what I was taught growing up in the Independent Fundamental Baptist Church crowd. Well of course, the fundies started in. “In the last days there will be a falling away”, “Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever and his message should never change”, “this young generation such as yourself lacks a backbone and can’t handle the truth”… etc the list goes on. I had my defense and I held my cool. Then I got a notification on my phone that sent chills down my spine, someone commented that I know was deleted off my Facebook a while ago. This man (whom we will disguise his name as “Woody Woodpecker”) commented on my Facebook. Now, Mr Woodpecker was in really big with my old church crowd and was good friends with the pastor, and to see that he can view and comment on my Facebook made me furious. He of course posted “I believe the young generation need to understand what truth is and stop leaving bible believing churches.” Needless to say I flipped out. Made a bunch of people unhappy.
I do believe this was the final straw for me. The next day I had my panic attack. Not because of the fact of what he posted, but the fact that seeing his name brought back so many bad memories. I want nothing to do with that part of my life. I want nothing to do with the old churches I use to go to. I want nothing to do with the angry, Pharisaic, self-righteous teachings of those folks. I want to forget the people who brought me to the point of attempted suicide, my abuse, my pain. Its been a long road since I decided to leave that circle. Heartbreak, loss of friends, sleepless nights wondering if I had made the right choice. I know I have and I know its only going to get better.
I have decided a long time ago that I will refuse to associate with such closed-minded people. Folks that are toxic to my well-being are only going to keep me down and influence me not to proceed to bigger and better things. I am getting stronger and getting happier. I am blessed to have a set of close friends who know everything about me. I am able to go on knowing that no matter what I be happier because I am letting go of my “bondage” and am able to live my life. I am not saying that the days will not be hard and I will have it easy. I am just confident that wherever the road may take me I know that it will be better than where I have been.
I feel that the best way to deal with anxiety is to understand where it is coming from. I know that not understanding the root of your anxiety will never help you take control of it. I know that “Mr Woodpecker” is not the main reason behind my panic attacks. Its goes a lot deeper than that. I just know that I was heading down memory lane avenue and I had to stop to better myself. You can never forget your past, its impossible. All I know is that keeping it dwelling in your mind will never help you heal either. I am slowly learning to embrace the past, that what it’s done for me was make me a better person. I know for a fact that I have a long way to go before I am where I want to be. It just takes one day at a time.
Thank you so much for reading my blog. I know sometimes I just like to express how I feel. I just hope that you can possibly even relate to my feelings and hopefully help you out if you are struggling.
One Love, Show Love, Be Love.