Why I Don’t Do Public Speaking

When it comes to public speaking, people tend to have the best techniques. Some have that ability to bring their point to an open discussion and present it well.

I am not one of those people. Friends and associates ask why I don’t speak in front of people, when it is so easy for me to sing. 1. It’s not easy to sing and a lot of times I am shaking all over when I do. It takes all I am not to perform in front of another living soul. As a piano player and a singer. It takes every ounce of courage for me to stand or sit in front of a crowd and perform. It’s a constant battle for me to do it. 2. I know what to do. I know the words I sing, the volume needed to project my voice. I know what tone of voice to bring the point to focus. 3. My singing is not the center focus. There is other sounds, musical instruments that accompany me. With public speaking, between each sentence there is dead silence. Only one sound projecting from center stage and that is my speaking voice. I deal with my own complexes with my singing voice as it is, when I hear myself talk I become annoyed very quickly with the sound of my voice. If I despise it, I know I am not the only one who does.

Example of me failing at public speaking would be at my most recent training at my work. The trainer asked a question to which I knew the answer to. It was a question that I remember it being asked in a previous training. I knew exactly what to say and without hesitation I raised my hand. Unfortunately when I started speaking what I had in my head was not what came out and I spent the remainder of the training beating myself up and I never answered another question. I was mortified. I got it wrong, when I knew I had the answer in my head. But that’s not what came out.

Me and public speaking are mortal enemies. I don’t think this feud will ever cease. It has caused me to sink lower and lower in my pit of social anxiety. I fear the day I have to speak openly again. I shall avoid this at all cost!


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Surviving Religion My Religious Background

Surviving Religion. My 25 year religious background was focused on hate for the most part. Hate for being a different skin color, gender, sexual orientation…etc. Whatever the case may be it was nothing that I can be proud of. The 25 years I have been on this earth I have learned so much. Sadly, the most amount of my learning was after leaving the fundamental Baptist crowd. I look back on the many things that I have been taught, witnessed, shown. The amount of hatred, racism, bigotry, genocidal talk is very scary looking back. Religion, Dogmatism, Sadism all intertwined.

Sadly I was a part of this “craziness” I was one of the people standing on the street corner hollering at oncoming traffic. I remember wondering why no one was openly persecuting us, why they were not spitting in our faces as some people claim to have happened. I get the occasional laughs due to how ridiculous we looked standing there holding our bigotry signs. I also remember how normal the people looked who passed by us on the street. How happy some seem to be. This is not what I thought it would be I remember thinking to myself why are these people not furious at the mention of “Jesus”?

Thinking back on this sitting in my room I realized. Of course, that’s it! The reason I didn’t see people who were sad is because I was one who was sad. I was the person that needed to find spirituality. I wasn’t looking for it standing on the corner screaming hell. I wasn’t finding my spirituality sitting in the church every Sunday and Wednesday listening to the terrible pattern style messages. My spirituality was not going to come from what end of times gimmick John Hagee was going to spew out to get more money.

My spirituality is letting go of the hatred towards people who were different, who are different on the outside. In reality we are human and we don’t need a deity to instruct to us what is right and wrong. The fact is, as human beings know that we are supposed to love. As Christians that does not change. Jesus said for us to love one another. How does condemning the LGBT community to hell for loving someone they feel complete with. This is not what humanity is about. We are all equal, there is no one better than another. We should learn to respect that and accept that.

My memory Monday is the memory I have of walking away from the madness and realizing that you can find peace within yourself, you can find happiness outside of bigotry, but you won’t find happiness inside of Bigotry. If you feel that you do, then you are lying to yourself. Acceptance is realizing that you are no different from anybody else. You have the same rights as anyone else and so does it reversed. Please remember this! Happy Monday Everyone!

Clean Eating! Starting A New Blog Segment!

So, Thinking back on the many times I have went on diets and they have failed. The times I have tried exercising and you miss one day, then another, then a few more, then you just say “forget it” and you make up excuses like “I am too tired”, “My feet hurt”. “I am just to busy” or maybe even “but.. it’s too far”. What ever the real reason, we justify them to make us feel better. The truth is, we all have done it. We all have started a diet and exercise plan and we failed. I am tired, I am over weight, and I think that eating a juicy cheeseburger will make it go away. Sure it may ease the pain, but a night of restless sleep, and stomach pains, you realize that’s just not the case.

The problem with the unhealthy food is that we feel that it takes the pain away. I have dealt with a lot of depression, pain and anger throughout my lifetime and I have always turned to food. The food was the answer to my problem at the time. Not only, did I eat bad when I was sad, but I also ate when I was happy. Any emotion you can think of, I would swing by my favorite restaurant and get the large combo; that was the highlight of my day!

When I started this blog I already knew that I wanted it to be something about bondage. The truth is, life is a forest filled with vines and thorns. No matter where we walk, we are liable to get caught in a vine or a thorn patch. Whether your thorns are negative people, over eating, drugs, alcohol, being molested or raped or maybe even a death. The truth is we are always going to remember when we got caught. There will be cuts and bruises that may cause you to scream out loud and shake your fist to the sky. The problem is, we don’t want to be free from them, that maybe if we just stay still in the trap that it wont hurt as bad. That may work for a while but you won’t be happy until you have agreed to release yourself from those thorns and vines. That’s sort of what being overweight. We stay where we are, we refuse to get better because if we just stay there, everything will be okay. It’s not going to be okay! We need to push through, sure you will have scars, maybe some open wounds, but the wounds will heal and the scars will be a reminder of your success.

That is why I created breakingmybondage.com. I was caught up in a “cult like” circle of churches. For years I listed to angry and evil words, racial slurs, homophobic sickness that crept through the church and through the hearts of the people who attended. I suffered through depression, anxiety, trying to commit suicide, mind games, brain washing, abuse… etc and I am still suffering from the after effects of the hell I went through. For years my family and I just sat in that patch of thorns just thinking we were where we’re meant to be. It was slowly killing me, and I needed to move. I finally got the courage to break from their bondage and I will tell you I have not been happier. I am struggling still with the aftermath of their destruction but I am a work in progress. My weight is a big problem that I have. It’s how I coped with my emotions, but it was only a suppressant!

I have suicidal tendencies, in fact, I am committing suicide right now! What I put in my body is a gateway to how I spend my years on earth when I am older. I am slowly killing myself and I will be lucky if I make it to 40. I am 400 lbs and growing, I can’t find anything to wear in stores so I have to buy online and I am exhausted all the time. I don’t feel like doing anything and it’s killing me. I want to go out, I want to go hiking, go to the park, ride a roller coaster, learn to surf, but I know it is impossible and if I continue going the way I am, I will never get to fully experience life!


With the recent death of my best friend, it has gotten me charged up! I want to lose weight for her. I want to travel and see the world and keep her memory alive and dedicate it all to her! I know it starts with my eating better! So today was my first day of eating healthy and I can already tell a difference on how I feel! It’s amazing what one day can do. I feel more hungry because my body wants more. It is craving the bad stuff! I wont give in! I have to do this or I will die! So today 05/18/15 I begin my road to happiness. It starts by just taking one day at a time!


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