Anxiety is something that only certain people feel. Some people only feel it before a test or before speaking in public. Some people never feel it. It’s this deep pain that I would rate worse than a headache. A headache is more direct. Most of the time you know why a headache is there and how to ease its pain. It could be because you’re dehydrated, watched too much TV or videos on your phone and/or allergies..etc. In most cases, you can point out a reason for a headache. Just take some medicine and you are good to go in about an hour.
Anxiety can come without reason and it’s this deep pain that you wish would just go away but it doesn’t. The only medicine you can take for it can mask the pain for a little while then if you don’t take it, after a while the pain comes back. This pain also comes with thoughts. I think your brain tries to look for a reason for the pain and it causes you to think about all the terrible things that are happening in the world, the bad things that happened to you and all the terrible things that you have done. It also brings up my worst fears and tries to make them reality. My brain tries to help but it only makes things worse.
The devil wants me dead and he just doesn’t want to leave me alone.
Sometimes I feel like giving in and letting the fear and pain wash over me and take me under. It’s becoming harder and harder to fight and swim to shore when the waves that crash drag me back out with its currents.
How does one get rid of the pain? How do I break through this feeling of being trapped in my mind and the feeling of being alone even when I am around people who love and care about me? How do I stop pushing them away when they only want the best for me?
I know people say “prayer” and believe me, I know and it does help, but it’s still there. It’s still lurking in the shadows waiting for me to let my guard down again.
Where do I go from here?
Growing up, even at my lowest points I’ve always had two forms of self-expression and that was through Music and Writing. I don’t really know where it all came about but somehow it did. Even through my darkest times I would sit with a tablet in my hand and my favorite songs playing on the radio and I was in my own world. A different world. One which made things simpler. This world gave me the time I needed to escape from reality for a while.
The older I get escaping the mind seems harder to do. More responsibilities weigh on you to the point where escaping that mindset seems almost impossible. I feel that is why people suffer from such things as anxiety. We’ve forgotten how to escape. We forgotten how to let the things that weigh us down pass through. Instead, we pile things on to the point where we feel like we are drowning.
Tonight, I took another trip to my “happy place”. It’s a quiet beach off the Delaware coast. This is where I can just go and reflect on things that weigh on my mind. It helps ease the pain that anxiety leaves and allows me to become more level-headed. People wonder why I go there alone at night. In this world, anything can happen to us, I get it. I just go there so I can focus on me. The darkness helps me because there isn’t a spotlight on myself or my problems. I blend in with the rest of the shadows and it gives me comfort.
Everyone needs their happy place. Sometimes that happy place can be a dark beach at night. If that’s where you feel comfortable then chase the moon. Where ever you find happiness, that is where you need to be. It’s where you need to go when you need to bring yourself back to heart center. Get your focus. Find your happiness. Live well.
So I had a journal entry started but I feel that it became much more than that so I made it into a Blog topic. That will be released tomorrow. Today is Sunday and because of unwanted screaming and complaining about church from my mother I forcefully go to church still. Being which I live at my house I feel like it is something I have to do. Especially if I still want to have a home.
I have a completely different view on religion and I am so over the idea of one religion being correct. As much as it pains others to hear, it is just how I feel. I feel that religion is more of a concept than reality. Sure I believe in God. But I believe that Religion is a way for people to become connected with the idea that someone created the universe. The problem I have is the hate that resonates from it. Religious war, crimes, shaming…etc the list goes on and being which the Christian faith follows a man who was anti all of the former, we wouldn’t be wrapped up in the evil that is war, politics, hatred but as always Christians are. Though with my past, I will say that I have seen the darkness that is produced from organized religion. I grew up as a fundamental Baptist circle and it was scary how things were revealed. In any case. I am no longer a part of the that circle but being which I am a slave to my mothers guilt trips I still attend a Baptist church but luckily this one is mild in comparison.
In any case I am baffled by the amount of anger, hatred and fear that is produced through churches. That is not who Christ was. I wrote more about it in the Blog coming out later. In any case. I am against religion but I am still forced to go until I am out on my own. So Sunday can get hard with my anxiety. Luckly it is only 2 hours.
Today, I was able to improve my directing skills for the Christmas play that we recorded. We are making it into a video. So that was a lot of fun. I just have some editing to complete and then it will be ready for the reveal next Sunday. I realized that keeping busy actually helps me with my issues of anxiety. I love to be able to take something from the mind and make it into reality. So that is pretty much all I got. I know that people know that information already but it is good to actually understand it.
We always say that anger is a powerful emotion. I have fallen prey once or twice in my life regarding anger. Sometimes I take it way to far. Sometimes I have said too much that has caused friendships to be destroyed by just a couple words. See we all think that anger is the emotion that we should try to avoid. Yet the truth is, we can’t. Anger can come out of nowhere and hit without warning. What we don’t know is that emotion is a part of us. Yes anger should be controlled but sometimes it can’t. This blog post, however, is not about anger. It’s about sorrow.
Today I had the honor of being recognized as family for the funeral today for Mrs. Anne Davis who passed this past . While I appreciate the sentiment, I somehow felt out of place. I was trying to put as to why I felt that way. Yes we aren’t considered immediate family but we were distant yet close. I have had the chance to know Anne personally and have had the opportunity to witness her giving nature. Not just with her family, but with people in general. I saw exactly who you were supposed to be as a Christ follower and she is the perfect example of who Christ was. The reason I felt out of place was not because I felt awkward sitting in the family area. I did feel that way, but that wasn’t the reason.
The reason I felt out of place was because I lacked sorrow. I have talked about this in previous blogs. My strange way I deal with emotions. I like to be sad in private but I also am a sympathy crier. I thought I would be that way today seeing which, I was in a public area but I didn’t. I didn’t cry. I didn’t mourn the death of this beautiful woman that touched my life as she did so many. The reason I believe I didn’t cry was because I felt my tears were not meant to shed. This wasn’t my time to feel sorrow. It wasn’t my time to feel the sting of loss for a loved one. It was the family of the one that was lost. I know she is no longer in pain and I have such comfort that this woman is still around trying to make sure everyone is ok. That I am sure of. Though I felt it wasn’t my place to cry about Anne. I don’t know why. It’s almost considered common courtesy to cry at a funeral. I don’t feel that way. If I have a chance to have joy that Anne is no longer in pain then I will. I don’t think I need to cry to show love but be more of a picture that shows that tears will come to an end. There will be joy again.
Though I say that, I know it will take a long time for the sorrow to pass. I still think of my best friend Linda. When she passed it was like my whole world changed. It did change. It changed how I saw life, death, religion, God, humanity, finances. I knew that the person who gave me the most laughter a human being could ever provide has gone away. The world got darker. I still randomly bust out in tears driving down the road to which I have to pull over my car. I say that because that event was the most recent and it was recent. She was who I still have tears to cry for. She still leaves this hole in my heart that I don’t feel will ever fill again. Even now I become emotional. She is who I will have my tears. I am not being cold hearted at all. It doesn’t make me a bad person because I choose where I put my tears. I don’t think of Anne as someone not worth my tears. She deserves every tear in the world as does any other human being that has someone who loves them. I would even go as far as say the people who don’t have people who love them deserve all the tears in the world. This was just not my time to cry. My tears didn’t need to be shed. There were a lot of tears that were being shed. It was my job to do the opposite. Death does make you appreciate life more and makes you want to live life to the fullest.
Today has been a day of thinking. I have been thinking a lot about my past, where I came from, where I am going. I am constantly thinking about my failures, my success, my failing at success and my successful failures. One thing always seems to stick into my mind. There is always tomorrow. Some say tomorrow never comes and that we never get there. The reason we don’t get there is because we don’t allow it. If we were to just pick one day and just do everything we are going to do tomorrow, things would actually get done. This is a lot easier said than done.
Another problem I have is that when I am meaning to refer to myself, I always start to deflect. I need to start focusing on myself more than the rest of the world. As a matter of fact, we all need to take that advice. The world needs to learn to pay a little more attention to themselves and less on the rest of the world. If the world did that, everyone would mind their own business instead of making war. Some of these people would start a war on themselves… But anyway, getting back to my point. Putting things off never solved any problem. It just prolongs the problem and at times makes things worse.
I started watching a new show today and you know how relationships can get. No not with another human. Your show. Netflix turns any show into a slut. Because you can have as much as you want and you can even go back and forth between shows! Wait, wouldn’t that make me a hoe? Anyway my point is once you start a show and there is a whole season sitting there just patiently waiting to be watched, you can’t just watch 1 episode. NO NO. You have to have more. You have to continue this wild ride. Then when you get to the end of the series that is available on Netflix, it’s as if your life IS MEANINGLESS! I think there is a blog post coming soon that is going to be about my struggles with binge watching. But again, my point is getting off track.
I said all of that to say this. I made sure that I took my time watching. I made sure that I had time to write my blog post today and you know what, it was easy to do. Sure I thought about saying fuck it and continue on my show binge but I didn’t. This is why you are getting this post. But my point in this is that I didn’t put this off. I am starting to make this a thing of habit. I couldn’t care less if I no one actually reads my blog… Ok I do care but that’s not really why I am doing this. I love to write but sometimes entertainment and the fast pace of life (or tv life) causes us to become lazy and stop really caring as much about things of actual meaning in real life. Yes you can be busy, but if you don’t have time to do what you love, than your life is too busy. This is why I make sure that for now I take time everyday to do what I love. I refuse to put things off. This is what I love to do and I am going to make sure that I try to do it as often as I can! This is where you find your success.